Neo's Story
by ceridwen-amyed
Summary: Just what the title says it is...
1. Default Chapter

I had a happy childhood

DISCLAIMER: All the characters that were in The Matrix belong to WB or the Wachowski brothers or whoever. They're not mine and I'm not making any money of this yadda, yadda. Any characters that are not in The Matrix belong to me. If you want, you can use them but please e-mail me and ask. It's only polite… J

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote this because I've read stories on Trinity's life but none on Neo's, which struck me as kinda strange… I mean, he's the main character in the movie! I'm sure there are some out there but I wanted to write my own.

I want to apologise for the title… It sucks but I couldn't think of another… Suggestions are always welcome!

This is set during, pre and post Matrix. I will be updating this fairly regularly, as soon as I finish each chapter. Probably not the best way to write but it works for me. ;)

Rated for language and other stuff that little kiddies should not know about.

* * * * * * * 

I had a happy childhood. How many computer hackers can say that and truly mean it? By definition a computer hacker shuns the outside world and remains, locked in a dark room, trying to hack their way into everything and anything. Most of the computer hackers I know try to blame it on their upbringing; _I wasn't given enough love. I was given too much._ It makes me sick. Stand up and admit your own mistakes, for Gods sake.

Anyway, my childhood was good. It wasn't fantastic but it was better then most. My parents loved me and I had friends. So I wasn't great at school, big deal. Things like that don't matter much when you're kid. I have good memories stretching out like a golden shimmer in my mind, an endless road of memories. Everything in childhood has a golden glow, even the bad stuff. In my mind though, there was one dark spot that lurked below the shimmer. Hidden but always there.

My dad was a truck driver. He was typical stereotyped truck driver, except he was thin. His body and face were tanned from hours spent on the road, driving in the blistering sun, but he was so thin. Clothes hung of him like a hanger, shapeless and slightly wilted. He was a good man; he looked after us well. He told me that he loved truck driving because it allowed him time to himself, to think. It wasn't that he wanted to get away from us, he was a loner. Preferred to do things by himself, without involving other people. A loner, a spectator of other people's lives. 

But his truck driving didn't really earn enough for us to live on. So my mom had a job as a marketing consultant for some big company. It was hard work and she used get bad backaches. When my sister and me were still little kids, she moonlighted, only coming in when someone was sick or on holiday or something. When my sister turned ten she took the job permanently, after we convinced her we could get ourselves to school on time. I looked up to Caitlin like a second mom. She made sure I had enough to eat and got me off to school on time. 

We lived on the edge of town, the last house before you entered the highway and left the town. Even then, I was a spectator of other people. I used to watch the cars pass my window, wondering where they were headed. If I had been fast enough, I might have run after them to ask them, maybe even beg them to take me with them. I was my mother's child in looks but my father's in personality. I always wanted to see the world beyond our little town. So I watched the cars, until they were just a pinprick on the horizon, shadows stretching down the road, wondering.

So you see, I had a good family. We cared and looked out for one another. But we were always slightly detached. We never asked about each other's day unless it was obvious something had happened. I was closer to Caitlin then to my mom because I saw her more, at school. I was never really close to my dad because he was driving all over the country all the time. I often wondered later on if he was looking, just as I did, for something that he couldn't explain. Searching for a truth, an answer to a question he hadn't asked. The idea that maybe I had answered that question for him often makes me feel… proud I guess, for some of the things I do.

Things started to go seriously wrong when I was 13. I wasn't doing too well at school; all the teachers said I could do better, I wasn't applying myself; I just wasn't interested. The things they taught me seemed so pointless. The two things I was good at were maths and science. I liked maths because there were rules that you could always rely on. I say that I liked science but I only really did well at physics. In fact my teacher was convinced that I would become some kind of physics scientist. I hated chemistry and biology: there were too many variables in: things could get contaminated too easily or mutate. Physics was stable – who would doubt the law of gravity? 

Mom and dad were disappointed in me but I couldn't really explain why I wasn't applying myself. They asked me what I thought I would do with my life; I just said that maybe I would become a truck driver like my dad. My dad blushed slightly when I said it. It's still the clearest picture of him I have, the way he turned his head slightly and how he turned his eyes up at me. The idea appealed to me because I liked the solitude of it: just me and the open road. But we all knew I would never make it as a truck driver. As my principal put it, I had an authority problem. I challenged what the teachers said and they knew I would do the same when told to drive anywhere.

Caitlin had just turned 16. She still looked after me when mom and dad were busy. She teased me and did all the things a big sister is supposed to: if any kid threatened to beat me to a slimy pulp, she always found out, even if I didn't tell her and stuck up for me. The only thing that really annoyed me about her was that she was sometimes a little too protective of me. Once I forgot my lunch and she chased me down the hall at school in front of everyone shouting, "Tommy, you forgot your sandwiches!" I was mortified, especially when she kissed me on the cheek and ruffled my hair. I always pretended to hate it when she called me Tommy at school. I never really minded but it was one of those brother-sister arguments, that no one can remember who started it but you carried it on anyway. It was like a tradition or something.

I never understood how Caitlin made time to look after me, do well at school and have her own life. I never realised how well she managed to keep them all apart until it was too late. She had a boyfriend called Steve. From the moment I met him, I hated him. I told myself it was because he was a slime ball, always trying to look down her top but later on, I found myself doing the same thing. He was just an ordinary teenage boy, hormones in overdrive. I was just jealous of the attention Caitlin gave him. When he was there, I ceased to exist in her eyes. I wasn't used to sharing my sister with anyone. Steve was just an ordinary guy. The only thing different about him was that he was a crack addict. And he got my sister hooked too.

I found out when I went up to her room to ask her for some help with my homework. I never knocked on the door, just barged my way in. She was lying on her bed with Steve. They were laughing, eyes glazed. I couldn't work out what was going on until I noticed the packet of white powder on the floor and the needles… I was 13, not stupid.

Caitlin stopped laughing and Steve rolled off the bed, muttering something about having to get home and stumbled down the stairs. I watched him go and turned back towards Caitlin. She was scrambling on the floor, picking up all the evidence.

"Don't tell mom and dad," she said not even looking up. I said nothing and turned to walk out the room.

"After everything I've done for you!" she screamed. I stopped for a moment then carried on walking to my bedroom. I could hear here screaming my name and whimpering, clawing at the closed door, begging my silence. I opened my window and started watching the cars. 

Understand I didn't care that she was doing drugs. Even at that age, I wasn't bothered. I wasn't even thinking of telling on her. What she did in her own time was her own business. The thing that bothered me was that she had obviously been doing it for some time. She just hadn't told me. I felt that in some twisted way she had betrayed my trust and I wondered what the point was in becoming close to a person only to find out they're not the person you thought they were. The number of times Caitlin had lectured me on drugs, how all the kids in the neighbourhood were doing them, but I wasn't to. And all the time she was taking crack…

I guess that was the day I lost my faith in people. They screw up, make mistakes, tell you one thing and do another. They fuck up. That day I vowed that I would find something that doesn't make mistakes, something I could put my trust in. Until then I would not trust other people or put my faith in them. 

I'm trying to explain to you why I did what I did. It sounds like I'm blaming her, but I'm not. I choose my own coarse in life; she just helped me steer it in another direction.

I never did tell on Caitlin. Even after it happened and my parents asked me if I knew about it, I denied any knowledge. I may not have said it out loud but I had promised her that I would never tell. So I didn't. Even though other people screw up and break promises, I wouldn't.

It happened on a clear day in the fall. It sounds like a cliché but that's how I remember it. Mom and dad were out; it was their wedding anniversary and they'd gone to some fancy restaurant. Ever since I discovered Caitlin's habit, a wall had been built between us. She cooked my dinner and then retreated to her bedroom. I knew what she was doing and left her to it. I ate then sat in my room and watched the cars go by. After a while I began to get bored. I started to wonder what Caitlin was doing. I've always been curious and I realised I had no idea how junkies shoot up. I sat there for about 5 minutes weighing up the pros and cons of going in there. In the end my curiosity overwhelmed me and I had to get up. I had to go see what she was doing. I missed my sister. There was something else driving me as well. Call it instinct, a sixth sense. Whatever.

I knocked but there was no answer. I hesitated then pushed the door open. She was lying on the bed, glassy eyes staring at the ceiling. I called out her name and walked cautiously towards the bed. She didn't reply, didn't even move. I stopped and noticed the needles on the floor, the box of pills on the dresser… I stepped forward and picked it up. Empty. I knew then beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was dead. I don't remember thinking or feeling anything. 

I picked up the needles and took them outside. I put them in the neighbour's trash. I still felt a sense of loyalty towards her, no matter how fucked up she had become. I went back inside the house and called the restaurant my parents were at. I told the waiter to tell them to get home right away. I then called 911 and went outside to wait for them all to arrive. I sat on the dirt outside my house and watched the cars streaming past, heading for pastures new, their headlights gleaming in the dark and I wished with all my heart that I could go with them.

* * * * * * *

I know this chapter doesn't really go anywhere but I am writing the follow up. I didn't mean it to be so long; it just flowed out of me…

Please r & r. I need (and love) feedback!

Monday 16th July 2001


	2. Chapter Two

For a long time afterwards I blamed myself

For a long time afterwards I blamed myself. _If only I had told mom and dad that she was doing crack. If only I'd gotten up there sooner._ Everyone else made me feel worse by being so nice. I felt that I didn't deserve to be treated so nicely. After a while it started to get on my nerves. People were constantly asking me if I was okay or if I needed anything. I've always been a private person; I can't stand it when I'm the centre of attention.

I missed Caitlin a lot, but it felt that she had been dead for years. When she died, she was a junkie, not the Caitlin I had known and loved. It felt like an empty pit in my stomach, that I had not had a chance to say goodbye. From the day I'd seen her and Steve doing drugs she had ceased to be my sister. She'd become a stranger to me.

It ripped our little family apart. We hadn't exactly been the closest family in the world but it was worse now. I hardly ever saw my parents: we all lived our own lives, separate from each other.

I closed off even more from the world. When people asked how I was doing I always said fine, no matter how I was actually feeling, and moved on to avoid any more questions. I learnt how to blend into the background, how to create an aura around myself that said fuck off to anyone who got to close.

You can't trust people. They screw up. Better not to get too close, so if they die, you mourn, go to the funeral, shed a few tears and move on. Get over it.

My grades at school got worse, but that was to be expected I guess. High school was a blur for me. I didn't have too many friends and I pissed off my teachers by questioning their teaching methods. Only two moments stand out clearly in my head.

The first was when I had started a debate in English class about the existence of god and fate and all of that crap. The teacher was a devout Christian and got so pissed off at me that he dragged me out to the corridor and started bawling me out. I only remember part of what he said to me clearly:

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"…You're looking for something, Thomas. You're searching for a truth. I know that that's hard; God know I went through the same thing…"

Then he went to yell at me for disturbing the class and trying to convert me but I wasn't listening anymore. His words were buzzing in my ears. 

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I was searching for a truth... I hadn't realised but as soon as he said it I realised that I was. What truth? I was so struck by it that I felt faint. I was looking for something but what?

The second thing I remember was my physics teacher's new computer. He bought it in to school, figuring that someone there would be able get it to work. It was the biggest hunk of junk I've ever seen. We spent the entire class trying to figure out how to switch the damn thing on. It was me who figured it out. You couldn't do much on it but I was fascinated by it. This was what I had been looking for. A machine that could only do what I told it to do: it didn't screw up unless I told it to. I could rely on it.

I helped Mr Crandell with the computer every day after school, trying to get the damn thing to work. I was a natural. I find out about the new technology the government had been using for a while and hooked the computer up to the school phone line. I started searching the Internet, looking for something I couldn't explain. Of course, this was during the 80s so there wasn't much to look at without hacking. So I started. Nothing very big, just looking around at government files. I read about some guy named Trinity hacking into the IRS d-base and nearly did something like that myself but then thought what's the point? I'd get arrested and do about a zillion years in jail.

My dad died when I was 18. Died seems like too gentle a word: he lost control of his truck and plowed it into a gas station. My mom was devastated, a wreck. She kept asking me when Caitlin and her husband were going to visit. I had plans to go to college, but I put them on hold to look after her. She died a year later. Pneumonia.

It sounds like I didn't care that they died, but I did. I still do. They were good people. In a way though I expected it. People die. Never get too close…If you remain at a distance you can't get hurt. At least that's what I thought.

I used the money they'd left me to put myself through college, studying to be a computer scientist. I bought the crappy computer from Mr Crandell and retreated further into my own world. The college had all the latest equipment and I copied it to use on my own computer. Needless to say I never did much studying. I spent most of my days trying to get that damn computer to work and spent my nights out drinking. Well, why not?

Like school, college was a blur. The only thing that really stands out was how I got my real name.

John was the closest I had to a friend in those four years. We had the same courses and he sometimes tried to help me with my computer. I was too independent to want any help and to be honest he sometimes pissed me off. He was always so damn cheerful. He was the only person who ignored my aura telling people to get out of my space. 

He was much better then me at programming though. He knew how to manipulate the computer so that it actually obeyed commands. The only thing keeping him from being freed was his cheerfulness. He was happy in the little world he had created and no amount of persuasion could have made him leave it. 

Anyway. He was sitting in my room, throwing a baseball at the wall. I was searching and hacking the net as usual and he asked me what my alias was.

" My what?" I asked not taking my eyes of the screen.

"Your alias. You know, a fake name."

"Why the hell would I want a fake name?"

He rolled his eyes. "So if you hack into anything-"

"Who said I was hacking into anything?" I glared over at him. He gave me a look.

"So all this time spent on your computer, your working on assignments? Please."

I half smiled and turned back to the screen.

"Anyway, if you do anything you're not supposed to, the government can't trace you because the name's ambiguous. They can't even tell whether you're a man or a woman. That's why you need an alias, hacker boy!" He threw the baseball at my head. My hands jerk forward from the impact and I hit the keyboard. The screen went blank.

"Oh shit," I muttered and pressed a few buttons. Nothing happened.

"Oh man, if you made me break my computer I'm gonna kill you!" John just laughed and carried on throwing the baseball at the wall.

"Come on baby. Work!" I hit the side of the monitor and blinked. For a moment I thought I saw something move across the screen. I leaned in, trying to see what it was. I saw nothing. I shook my head.

"Must be going crazy…" I looked again. This time I saw it. For the briefest moment I thought I saw a green code flash down the screen. It flowed out of the screen and I suddenly saw it everywhere. On my bed, my clothes strewn across the floor and then across John. I closed my eyes and saw it there to, dripping like water across my eyelids. I felt that I could almost understand it-

"Tom? You okay?" I opened my eyes and saw John staring at me, baseball in hand. He repeated his question.

"Fine," I said, looking back at the screen. It was blank.

"You've spent too much time on that hunk of junk. Come on man, we need to get you out of this room and into the real world." He hauled me up and pushed me out the door.

"Yeah," I muttered. "Sure."

By the next day, I had convinced myself that I had seen nothing. Probably been looking at the screen for too long and the green code was just one of those blobby things you see when you stare at a bright light for too long. Maybe a part of me knew there was more to it then that but I buried it deep inside of me.

I had forgotten about John's idea of an alias. It was only that he kept pestering me that I finally gave in and started looking for one. Again, he tried to help me with it.

"Let's face it, 'Tom' does not suit you."

"It doesn't?" I asked furrowing my brows. It had never occurred to me that a name could suit you. I had always assumed you suited the name.

"No, we need something new… something original… something only you can have…"

Those words repeated themselves in my head over and over. In the end it was one of my professors who thought of it. He was trying to explain to me some new programme that had just been invented. Of course, I'd known about it for months but I figured that it would not be too wise to reveal that fact. Besides the guy loved explaining complicated things: it gave him a sense of superiority to the rest of us. 

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"… I call this type of programme a neo programme"

"What did you say?" I asked, for the first time paying attention to what the jackass was saying.

"I call it a neo programme," he said patiently. " In other words, a new programme." 

I smiled slowly, rolling the word around my head. He smiled back; thinking that he'd finally made some kind of contact with me. Fat chance.

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Neo… It's perfect….

That night I used that name for the first time. I hacked into the college database and changed the grades of most of the students. The faculty went crazy, since there was no obvious target. The grades had just been randomly changed. I didn't want them to track me so I put some of my grades up and others down. In fact, the only reason they ever found out was that the top students now had F's. Everyone started freaking out, thinking that some mad man was going to hack into the software and blow the computers up and it would cause the end of the college as we knew it. I laughed at their ungrounded and hysterical fear. The cops started investigating, mainly to calm the student body down but all they found was that someone called Neo had done it but they never traced it back to me. 

After a while, the name Neo became more natural to me then Thomas Anderson.

* * * * * * *

Somehow I graduated and flitted from job to job, apartment to apartment for a couple of years. I only just got by. I still had an authority problem apparently. I was just beginning to despair when I ran into John at a coffee shop, 

I had just been fired from a research company. They had hired me to dig up dirt on the Internet for their clients. I had refused one: to look up the names of every criminal listed in New York who's name began with M. The client wanted to find the guy who he said had killed his brother. I didn't believe him. I met the guy and he didn't have a brother. You could see it in his eyes. He just wanted to find someone. He was insane. I told him that and had been fired instantly. 

So there I was, feeling and looking like shit because I hadn't slept for two weeks, when John walks up to me, looking like he should have been in a toothpaste commercial.

"Tom! I haven't seen you in years! How're you doing?" 

I knew then that he was just being polite. It was obvious that I was not all right. I couldn't sleep: every time I started to drift off, Caitlin's dead face floated up in front of me, then my mother's. Even though I hadn't seen it, I saw my dad's crash, saw his face twist in pain, then melt in the blazing inferno. I had what I guessed were probably panic attacks. When they hit, I could only sit in a corner, head in hands trying to slow my racing heart. I was a wreck.

"I'm good," I forced the words out my mouth with a fake smile. "How are you?"

"Great, great…" I knew with a sinking feeling in my chest that he was better then great. He looked tanned and healthy, perfect teeth, the works. While I stood there, pale and unshaven, trying desperately to keep the wave of nausea I could feel at arms distance.

"So what are you doing these days? Still working at that hunk of junk?" he laughed and I forced myself to laugh along with him.

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Sure I am John. In fact that's all I do… Aside from wondering into coffee shops before realising I can't even afford a regular cup of coffee and apart from being lousy at every job I get… In fact, working on that hunk of junk is the only peace I get from the questions in my head… I suspect I might be having some kind of breakdown John, can you recommend a good shrink?

Of course I didn't say any of that. I think I said sure and then asked him what he was doing.

"I just got a job at a new software company. It's called Metacortex."

"Never heard of it."

"That's 'cause it's new, dumb ass!" I can't help but smile. No matter how business-like he now looked, a far cry from his perpetual messy look at college (which on him was cute and endearing to women. On me it was just messy) he hadn't changed a bit.

"So, you still haven't told me what you're doing. What are you, head of your software company?"

I smiled the first genuine smile since I saw him. "No. Actually I just got fired." I turned and started to walk away.

"Oh shit man… I'm sorry."

"It happens." I shrugged. _Take a hint and just fuck off._

"Tom, wait!" Damn. He was running to catch up with me. _Fuck off fuck off fuck off…_

He grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to stop. "Listen if you want, I can spring you an interview. They're still looking for workers… And I know you got the skill." This last part was said with a smile. I looked across the street. Two men wearing brown suits and sunglasses got out of a car. For some reason, my eyes couldn't look away. They both paused and turned to look at me, as if with one mind. I shivered. 

I heard my voice say, "Sure. Why not?"

That's how I got to work at Metacortex. I had an interview and somehow managed to look halfway presentable. I don't think they really cared what I looked like. They seemed impressed by my programming skills. I couldn't really work out why at first; I had always assumed that John was better at it then I was. It took a while for me to realise that all my time working on "that hunk of junk" had actually paid off. I outstripped him by a long shot.

And for a while, things started to look up. My job at Metacortex was simple enough. I just kept my head down and do what my superior told me to do. I started sleeping again and with my new regular income I bought a better computer. I always kept the old one though. I don't know why: in some twisted way I felt that owed it something. 

The only real thing wrong with my life was John. It wasn't really John though. It was the way he and his new perfect wife kept inviting me round their new perfect house. They saw me as some kind of charity case and it drove me insane. I can't stand being the centre of attention. It made me feel sick, how happy they were. It left me feeling hollow inside. In the end, I started acting a happy as they were around them and after a while they seemed satisfied that I was 'cured' and left me alone.

I had been hunting around on the net, still looking for my 'truth' when I noticed a, small, insignificant banner in a corner. It was some new psychiatrist trying to drum up business. There was a picture of a happy family, laughing because Dr Wonderful had fixed their problems. 

Then it hit me. I worked out why I was having panic attacks: I missed my family. I hadn't grieved for them properly and being around John and his perfect-now-pregnant wife reminded me on what I was missing. I felt guilty for the way they died, especially Caitlin. I felt that maybe I could have done something. 

__

A family. I was so relieved when I realised how simple it was I almost wept with joy. 

I went back to my old town one weekend to visit their graves and try to lose the feeling of emptiness inside me. When I got there I sat outside our old house, now abandoned and rundown. I sat in the dirt, ignoring the looks passing drivers gave me and watched them go past. It gave me a sense of peace just sitting there. It was just me, the sky and the road. I sat there as long as I could, ignoring the cramp I could feel in my leg. I wanted to preserve that feeling in my mind as well as I could, so I could recall it whenever life got too hard. I still do sometimes.

Finally, when the cramp became too much for me to handle I got up and headed for the cemetery. I didn't have a car - I had travelled by train - so it took me a few hours to find the cemetery. The town had changed so much since I had last been there. Buildings had been torn down, streets renamed. Nothing remains the same. Not in this world.

I found their graves, side by side, Caitlin in the middle. _At least they're together now_, I thought miserably. There was a space next to my mothers and a dark corner of my mind whispered _that grave's for you Thomas. You'd better get in it before it's too late._

"What's too late?" I asked aloud in a trembling voice, but the voice was silent. I shuddered and knelt beside the graves to put the cheap flowers I had bought a gas station down. Suddenly, something burst inside of me. I rested my head against Caitlin's headstone and wept. I wept for my family and the terrible ways they had died, for the way I had tried to forget them but most of all for the person I had become.

Eventually my sobs subsided and I sat up and I sat up, staring at the headstones. 

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Never get too close… I can't go through what I've just been through again… Better for it not to start…Keep to yourself and you'll be just fine…

When I left the next day I felt that I'd left a part of me behind. That I'd buried the part of me that was still Thomas Anderson in the dirt by my old house, in the space next to my family. I got back to my apartment and sat at my computer. I realised that before the trip I had been living two lives: one as Thomas Anderson and another as a computer hacker named Neo. 

Now I was just Neo.


	3. Chapter Three

Working at Metacortex was dull

DISCLAIMER / AUTHORS NOTE: The Matrix script does not belong to me and I am using it without permission but not for any monetary gains etc etc.

I used some extracts from the script in this chapter but if they are not entirely accurate then it's because I'm tired and my back hurts after being hunched over a computer for three hours (how computer hackers get by is beyond me) and I just wanted to get this posted.

Sorry about the moan! On with the chapter…

* * * * * * *

Working at Metacortex was dull. My life seemed to be going nowhere. Scratch that: it _was_ going nowhere. I watched John get promoted up and up, until he had his own office and supervised half the staff. Not me though, which made me intensely glad. He would have cut me far too much slack and gotten us both fired. I was always on the verge of unemployment. Even though I had buried my family, I still couldn't sleep at night, usually falling asleep around 4 in the morning. Sometimes I overslept. 

That's how I spent my days. I went to work during the day and spent my nights hacking. I soon discovered that hacking was worth serious money. People would pay me huge amounts of cash for information. Usually it was the information on their records in government databases; sometimes other people's. Other times they just wanted information on drugs or whatever and they didn't want to do the dirty work for themselves. I didn't really care what it was for. I was able to get extra cash so I didn't have to steal or copy the new software at Metacortex. The guy in the next cubicle to mine had seen me copy some of it and it was only by persuading him that I could get him his tax records changed that he kept quiet.

It was actually during changing his tax records that I first heard of The Matrix. I typed in the wrong command and ended up on some weird web page. All it said was: 

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This is The Matrix. Get out if you can…

Of course once you were logged on, you couldn't get out. In the end I pulled the plug out of the computer. Just before I did it another message flashed across:

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Knowing the Matrix is the key to the Truth

I immediately plugged the computer back in, but I couldn't get back to it. I later learnt that it was constantly moving across the Matrix so the machines couldn't track it as easily and shut it down. It was designed to arouse the curiosity and start potentials off on their search. If you looked hard enough then you would be picked up by a ship and freed. That's how they found me

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The Matrix is the key to the Truth… What truth? Suddenly, for the first time in years my life had direction. I had to find out what this Matrix was.

I spent years searching. Not just on the net, I started looking in books. I read every philosophy book I could get my hands on… Plato, Socrates, Descartes, everyone. I had gotten so desperate I even tried reading the Bible and then the Qu'ran. They were all dead ends.

And in all my searching all I found out was that The Matrix was somehow connected to someone called Morpheus. So I started looking for him. Luckily he was a lot easier to find out about.

He was a world-renowned terrorist, who had perfected the art of disappearing. It was incredible really that they couldn't find him. They had so many damn pictures of the guy… But that was all I knew. I had no idea how he was connected to The Matrix. The only way I could see of finding that out was to find him. But how do you find a disappearing terrorist?

I spent three years looking for him. I read every report on him, tracking his every move, from America to Europe and then back to America, often in a matter of days. It was incredible and I began to build some kind of admiration towards him. I was in awe.

There was one thing I began to notice in all the reports that puzzled me: they never mentioned what he had done that was so terrible. Sure, he blew up buildings, stole government equipment and sometimes killed innocent citizens caught in the cross fire but from what I could see it was no different from what any other terrorist did. So why did the police want him so badly? It just made me even more eager to meet the guy.

Three years spent looking for one man. Another year before that trying to find the Matrix. I was close to giving up. There was nothing else I could think to do.

I started downloading more headlines about Morpheus; it had become almost routine for me: get home, listen to some music, and track Morpheus. Normal. I started to doze off when I was aware that the images constantly flickering cross the screen had stopped. I looked up at the black screen

__

Wake up Neo.

I blinked and took off my headphones. It looked like someone was typing on my keyboard…

__

The Matrix has you…

"What the hell…?" I tried to delete the words but nothing happened. Someone was controlling my computer

__

Follow the white rabbit.

And I did. I followed a tattoo to some god-forsaken Goth club and wondered why the hell I was there. Why had I followed what a computer, a goddamn _machine_, had told me to do? I stood in the background, melting into the wall. Mr Nobody, that's me. 

Except she didn't think so. Trinity…I felt her before I saw her. Not the way you feel someone stare at your back. I felt her as a whole looking at me. I've never felt anyone so strongly (at least not emotionally). Even when she was standing next to me and I could feel her breath on my ear I could feel her, her scent, everything so clearly. It was like she was the only real thing in that room. I listened to her as she told me exactly what I was looking for and I knew her, I had seen her somewhere before, I _knew_ her.

__

The answer is out there Neo and it will find you, if you want it to.

Where had I seen her before? What did she want? Those questions followed me all the way home, into bed into my dreams, right up to when I looked at my alarm clock and realised that I was late. But they came back when I was in Rhineheart's office. I wasn't listening to what he was saying, I'd heard it all before. 

Authority problem. That was my trouble. And the fact that everyone else at Metacortex acted like they were at fucking Disneyland and I couldn't see the point. What was so great about this place anyway? If you're that happy, go work at Disneyland, not a software company.

I sat at my desk, typing the same old commands over and over, my mind wondering back to the question. _What is The Matrix? _

"Thomas Anderson?"

I blinked, brought crushingly back to reality. "Yeah, that's me"

A Fed Ex man stood by my cubicle and smiling brightly, handed me a package. I signed and he nodded. "Have a nice day." I frowned after him. Who would send me a Fed Ex package? I opened it and a cell phone dropped into my hand. Almost immediately it started to ring. I started and then spoke into it.

"Hello…?"

"Hello Neo, do you know who this is?"

I grasped my desk. God, his voice was just like I had imagined. It could only be…

"Morpheus?

"Yes. I don't know if you're ready to see what I want to show you but unfortunately we have run out of time. They're coming for you Neo and I don't know what they're going to do."

My head was spinning. It was overloaded with too many thoughts: _I'm talking to Morpheus? Shit, it's actually him! Show me what? Who? _I managed to articulate this last thought.

"Stand up and see for yourself."

"Right now?"

"Yes. Do it slowly."

I slowly look over the top of my cubicle, phone pressed to my ear.

"The elevator."

I look over to see three men in brown suits and sunglasses look over at me simultaneously, as if with one mind. A memory tugs at me put it's suppressed by the sudden irrational fear that quickly consumes me. I duck, swearing and started pacing the cubicle, my back bent.

"What do they want with me?!"

"I'm not sure. But, if you don't want to find out, you better get out of there."

"How?" All my trust is in him. It's a strange thought, but I feel I can rely on him. How I worked that out from a few cryptic sentences I don't know but that's what I feel.

"I can guide you but you have to do everything I say. The cubicle across the hall from you is empty. Go to it."

"But what if -"

"Go, now!"

I dive across the hall just as footsteps round the corner. I crouch in the corner, praying to a god I didn't believe in.

"Wait here for a moment." I nod, even though he can't see me. His voice is so calm…More footsteps, moving further down the aisle. 

"When I tell you, go to the end of the row, first office on the left. Stay as low as you can." I don't even try arguing now. I'm too terrified and I trust him now. God knows why but I do. I still do today.

"Now." I run out from the cubicle and nearly barrel into a cop's legs. I duck lower and start running, looking left and right expecting the men in suits to appear any second. Somehow, I get to the office and close the door, straightening with relief. I recognise for the first time that I'm covered in sweat and I'm clutching the phone so tightly it almost hurts.

"Good. Now to you're right there is a scaffold." It suddenly dawns on me that a man is guiding me through a _phone_. 

"How do you know all this?"

"That's not important. In front of you there's a window. Open it. You can use the scaffold to get to the roof."

I jump away from the window when I realise what he's saying.

"No way. No way! This is crazy!" I want to shout but I'm still very aware of the men in suits just behind the door.

"Neo," his voice is stressed now, the first emotion I've heard him emit. "There are only two ways out of this building. One is that scaffold, the other is in their custody. You take a chance either way. I leave it to you."

Click. He hangs up and I stare at the phone for a moment, then climb up on the window. I know I'm muttering my thoughts out loud. I lean out the window and then look down at the street below. I quickly lean back inside and swear loudly. In my head I start thinking bad things about Morpheus but don't dare speak them aloud. I have a feeling that he is watching me right now, however disconcerting that thought is.

I look across at the scaffold and force myself to move quickly, out on the small ledge, around the corner until I reach a pillar and clutch at it. I look down again slowly, one foot hanging into the air. The wind is so strong it almost blows me off. I lose hold of the phone and watch it fall, probably to land on some poor sods head. I look at the scaffold. To reach it I have to somehow, pull myself round the pillar and edge to it, with no handholds. Fuck that.

As soon as I set foot in the office the door opens and two policemen walk in. They start reading out my rights and handcuff me before I have a chance to say anything. They bundle me in a car quickly and all I could think was I failed him, I failed Morpheus. My one chance to find out what The Matrix is and I get arrested instead. I vowed not to make that mistake again.

They kept me waiting in that room for nearly half an hour. I sat there and thought of all the things that could get me convicted. I gave up after about five minutes, realising the list was too depressing to think about. 

__

Just deny it. Deny everything. They can't have any prove on your hacking, it's untraceable. Just don't panic…

That thought began to panic me, so I started to think about Morpheus and Trinity. I had a sudden blind faith that took me by surprise, that they would somehow get me out. I was going to be fine. I couldn't let them faze me. By the time the men in suits arrived I was feeling a lot calmer.

One of them sat in front of me and the other two stood either side of me. I'll admit, that did faze me but I quickly smothered it. The man seated in front opened the folder on the desk and started looking through it. The silence overwhelmed me but I stopped myself saying anything. I was not going to let them win.

"As you can see, we've had our eye on you for quite some time now Mr Anderson. It seems you've been living two lives. In one life, you are Thomas A. Anderson, program writer for a respectable software company. You have a social security number, you pay your taxes and you… help your land lady out with the garbage." He raised his eyebrows and I wonder why they're wearing sunglasses indoors. 

__

Don't let them faze you. 

He flipped a few more papers. "The other life is lived out in computers where you go by the hacker alias Neo, and our guilty for every computer crime we have a law for." How can they know so much? You can't trace a hacker… How had they found me? I shift nervously. I can't help it. There's something about these men that I can't put my finger on. Something unnatural. I realised that I was in huge trouble.

"One of these lives has a future. The other has not." He shut the folder decisively. He leaned forward and took off his glasses and stared directly at me.

"I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can be with you Mr Anderson. You're here because we need your help."

I blink with surprise. My help? That was the last thing I had expected to hear…

"We know that you have been contacted by a certain individual." _Oh god no, not that._

"A man who calls himself Morpheus." _Shit._

"Whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant to the fact that he is wanted for acts of terrorism in more countries then any over man in the world. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive."

__

You can't fail him now, you can't… He tried to help you and you screwed up… Don't fail him now.

The man leaned closer, staring intently at my eyes. His voice dropped slightly as though what he was about to say was for me only. "My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe you wish to do the right thing." He leaned back suddenly and pushed the folder to one side.

"Now we are willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start. And all we're asking in return is your co-operation in bringing a known terrorist to justice." His eyes looked away from mine and I nod, knowing exactly what I have to do. 

"Well that sounds like a really good deal, but I think I got a better one. How about I give you the finger. And you give me my phone call." The man sighed slightly and put his glasses back on.

"Mr Anderson, you disappoint me."

"You can't scare me with this Gestapo crap. I know my rights. I want my phone call." I don't really know who I would call but I had a crazy idea that if I managed to get to a phone, Morpheus might be able to make contact with me. Stupid I know, but I somehow knew he was watching.

"Tell me Mr Anderson, what good is a phone call, if you are unable to talk?" I look at him incredulously. He raised his eyes slightly. Fear trills up my spine and I glance at the men either side of me. They look at me impassively as I feel something press down on my mouth. 

It feels like it's melting and when I try and say something, a garbled groan comes out. I put my hand to my lips and feel nothing and I start screaming but I can only hear the groan. I jump up as the men approach me and struggle helplessly as they throw me to the table. I watch as the man who had spoken pulled out a small metal object and start to scream louder when it changes, becomes organic and starts crawling on my stomach. I try to get free but I know it's too late when the thing starts to rip itself inside me and I yell until I wake up in my bed.

I clutch my mouth and my stomach as I realise it was just a dream. It was so real… and disturbing. I had got to start getting some proper sleep. Now even my dreams were fucked up. 

When the phone rang, I can't say I was exactly surprised. The dream was still large in my mind and the thought that it might be Morpheus lingered in my head. I picked it up but didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if I could trust my voice. Despite everything, I trusted the voice on the phone.

"This line is tapped, so I must be brief. They got to you first but they've underestimated how important you are. If they knew what I know, you'd be dead by now."

Great. Just what I needed to know.

"Do you still want to meet?"

He knows the answer to that. I can't turn away now… Yet I still hesitate, remembering the dream.

"…Yes."

"Then go to the Adam Street Bridge."

I dropped the phone, pulled a jacket on and started running. He didn't say what time to get there but I don't want to keep him waiting. Besides, I knew that if I stopped little niggling doubts would worm into my brain and turn me right back around to where I started.

It turned out that I was the one left waiting. The niggling doubts wormed their way into my brain and I began despairing when I realised I had gone against everything in my nature. The one rule I had made and stuck to my entire life I had totally broken.

__

Never trust anyone… Broken at least a hundred times in the last day. Hell, I was breaking it all the time I was standing there. 

__

You idiot Neo. You've spent the last three years trying to find The Matrix and when you finally get a break, you want to run? Get over yourself. If you run, you'll spend the rest of your life banging your head wishing you had -

By the time the car pulled up beside me, I was feeling much surer of what I was doing. As I climbed in the car I was certain I was doing the right thing. That certainty was knocked when Switch pulled out the gun. By the time Trinity _(I know her, I know her, oh god, how do I know her?)_ removed the bug from me it was almost totally gone. Why, oh why did I always listen to my own advice? It's never proved right before.

My certainty returned even stronger, though, when I meet Morpheus. I kept thinking, _I've been looking for you for three years and here you are… Is this a dream? It must be a dream, I'm a nobody, an international terrorist would not want to meet me, much less say that it was an honour to meet me._

There's a period before you fall asleep where you never sure what's real and what's the dream you're falling into. You accept what you see because it may be a dream. It never crosses your mind that it might be real because it's too amazing to even consider.

That's what the talk with Morpheus was like. Even when he said that I had _"the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up"_, though in dreams no one ever says that it's a dream, I was still thinking that it might be. I felt like I was waking up from a deep sleep, which I suppose I was. 

It felt unreal from when I took the red pill and unreal when I watched the mirror repair itself. Too fantastic to believe. I suddenly began to doubt if this was a dream.

__

Have you ever had a dream Neo that you were so sure was real? What if you couldn't wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the real world… and the dream world?

Words burnt into my mind forever. A whole philosophy in a few sentences.

I realised it wasn't a dream when the mirror swallowed me, when the coldness spilt over my body and then down my throat, freezing me from the inside. When I felt something inside my head that wasn't my own, something that was being pulled out.

Later I realised that feeling wasn't just the needle being pulled out of my head plug. It was the realisation that the world as I knew it was being pulled away, leaving a hole that could never be filled again.


	4. Chapter Four

Row after row of endless pods

Row after row of endless pods. Humans, more dead then alive, unaware of the truth. Unaware that they have never walked, spoken, laughed, loved or done anything. They stretch as far as the eye can see, which admittedly is not far but it still inspires… I guess it should be fear or awe but the truth is I didn't feel any fear or awe or much of anything really. I was too shocked. One moment I'm sitting in a chair in an abandoned building and the next…

It's later, when you realise the Truth, that it sinks in. When you're actually awake and in the fields it doesn't register, you don't understand what is going on. People fear the unknown but when the unknown is too much and you can't comprehend it, it doesn't frighten you. If anything you feel curious as to what is going on. But you're not afraid.

The fear comes later on. After a while it starts to fade but is replaced by something else. Most people accepted their new life but I couldn't. I was too old, too set in my ways. I could only feel anger but it was a resigned anger. There was no going back, so I had to get along with everyone. I never vented it. I should have really but the only place I could really do that was during training and even then it wasn't enough.

When I met Morpheus I had immediately trusted him. It was probably just that I couldn't bare the idea of spending three years of my life looking for someone and then not trust them. But Morpheus had something about him that inspired trust and devotion. It was why he was such a great leader.

So I had faith in him straight away. The rest of the crew took a lot longer. I knew that I had to because my life was in their hands. I had no idea of what was going on around me. The last person they had pulled out had been Switch and that had been about seven years ago, so she was way ahead of me. 

I never really got on with Switch. She always seemed so angry. I was told that she wasn't usually like that. It was just me. There was something about me that brought out the worst in her. I mean, we spoke to each other politely but I'm sure that eventually we would have come to blows. I made matters worse by having a fight with Apoc.

I had such terrible nightmares. Dreams where I was back in the fields, horrified with what was round me. I saw my family stretched out in the pods next to me and I tried to reach them but couldn't. The Neb would come and pull me right out the pod and I would leave them, hearing their screams as the machines tore at them. Other times they would claw at me, hang on to the craft begging to be taken with me. I still dream about it now, but now it's different - I know I can help.

One night I dreamt that I tried to help. I reached down and grabbed hold of Caitlin's arm but instead of letting me pull her out she pulled me back into a pod and hissed at me.

__

You abandoned us Tommy. You left us here in these fields to die. Why didn't you try to help me Tommy? Why didn't you tell Mom and Dad? You let me die! And then you tried to forget us! Why should you be shown mercy? What makes you so special that you have a chance to live and we don't?

I tried desperately to protest and wriggle out of her insane grip but she clung on.

__

Why do you always try to leave us? Help us! Please, Tommy help us!

The last words were a scream and I awoke to my own cries. I stumbled out of bed and ran to the bathroom, my hand over my mouth. I flung myself in front of the toilet seat and threw up. By the time I realised I had left the door open, I was beyond care. Between every heave I cried, until I had nothing left inside of me.

"Neo?"

I knelt beside the toilet bowl shuddering violently and hoped that Apoc would mind his own fucking business like everyone else and go back to bed. But of course he didn't. He was a good man and he wanted to help. I wish I could have told him that. But instead I ignored him.

"Neo, are you okay?"

"Oh sure. I'm fabulous."

Look, I've been there. It's hard when you first come out. I know how you feel -"

I stood and whirled on him. " Really? Then tell me this Apoc, how old were you when they pulled you out?"

He seemed taken aback by my question and hesitated. "Uh, nineteen."

"Nineteen. Jesus Christ, you don't have anything when you're nineteen! I had a fucking life! I had a job, a home - even if it wasn't real it was my life! Then you came and screwed it all up for me! So no, you don't know how I feel. You couldn't possibly comprehend it. No one on this fucking ship has any idea how I feel!"

"Neo, please, calm down - "

He looked over his shoulder at the corridor. I could hear the rusty sound of doors being opened and a terrible desperation swept over me. I was trapped here. The rest of the crew would always know every move I made. There was no going back. I glared at Apoc.

"Or what? I'll wake everyone up? I don't give a fuck, Apoc. You can all go to hell for all I care!" 

The sudden silence hit me. I hadn't realised how loudly I had been shouting or how much I was trembling. I pushed past him and stalked back to my room.

"Neo." I turned in my doorway to see Trinity staring at me. I felt ill again. The feeling I'd felt when I first saw her, the feeling that I knew her hit me again, making me dizzy and for one second I could have sworn I saw the same thing in her eyes. But then it was shut off, almost as quickly as it had arrived. Just wishful thinking.

"He was just trying to help you."

"I don't need help. I need to be -" I couldn't finish. I didn't know what I needed but she nodded.

"I know." And somehow she did know, even if I didn't. 

__

She knows me… 

I looked at the floor and tried to keep my expression blank. I glanced back up at her and she looked away. 

"Try to get some sleep Neo." She turned quickly and headed back to her room. I watched her for a while, then sat in my room, head in arms, remembering the road that stretched outside my house, with the glittering cars. Life had been simple then. And I knew that even if I had been given a choice, I would not return to that life because that was exactly the problem: it was too simple. I never would have made a truck driver. I barely made it as a computer programmer. So what the hell was I?

I must have drifted off to sleep because the next thing I remember was Tank opening the door and throwing a spork at my head. That was his method of waking me up when I slept in. I was always grateful that he had good aim, otherwise I'm sure he would have got me in the eye. 

I had developed an easy friendship with Tank. Most people did, the guy was so likeable. Dozer was a lot quieter, more serious. I never really got to know him that well. He was constantly trying to improve the equipment. Even though I was still in training, the others still went out on missions to the Matrix and often came back injured. Mainly cuts and bruises but it kept Dozer busy.

I envied the others going out to the Matrix but at the same time I was almost afraid to go back. Now that I knew the Truth, how would I view it? I could never look at it in the same way. At least in training you were safe. If you didn't mind the odd cut lip or whatever.

I drifted to breakfast, head pounding horribly from lack of sleep and too many bad thoughts. When I sat at the mess rooms table, the first thing I saw was Switch's angry glare. Her and Apoc were close. How close I wasn't too sure but I knew he would have told her about the night before. Like I said before, Switch and I never really got on; this was just the icing on the cake. 

__

Great. Good going Neo, just alienate yourself from all these people, there's a great idea. You idiot.

Although nobody mentioned it, I knew they all knew about last night's outburst. I think they were all shocked because no one had ever yelled at Apoc. Like I said before, he was a good guy. And I knew that. It could have been anyone. I had reached the end of my tether. Even if Morpheus had arrived I think I would have shouted at him. Probably more in fact because he was the one who brought me here.

I ate quickly and slunk off quickly to training. I could feel Switch's angry stare on my back, long after I had left, the room. As soon as I had closed the door behind me, I could hear Mouse talking excitedly, trying to find out if Apoc and me had come to blows. He was still just a kid. I guess I should have been annoyed at him gossiping behind my back but I wasn't. I liked Mouse. I liked his inane chatter - it was about the only thing that cheered me up.

Actually, that's a lie. Training was the main thing that kept me sane in those early days. It was such a kick to suddenly find myself doing things I had never done before. Things that Thomas A. Anderson would never dream of doing. It was hard to believe that I had ever been a programmer at Metacortex and now I was training to be… well, in the eyes of the Matrix, a terrorist. 

When I did well I was on top of the world. When I failed I sunk even lower, so I guess in some way that was the incentive for me to do well. Especially after Morpheus had told me why he had taken me. I knew that sometimes the others would watch me train, to see if I was what he thought I was. They weren't convinced. Hell, I wasn't even convinced. 

But whatever I was, every time I did something badly I felt that I'd let them all down. I felt that most acutely when I was in the jump program. The second time I did it, I made it a little further but fell anyway. I realised that the more times I failed, the more my mind would become convinced that it couldn't do it and I would just keep falling until I actually killed myself. So I decided that the next time I tried it I wouldn't think about it: I would just jump and maybe imagine that the gap was only a few feet across. I didn't really expect it to work but I had to try something different. Morpheus' disappointment weighed heavily on me.

The next day I tried it. I took a running start and just as I launched myself I thought _this isn't real. If it's not real, you can't fall_. The next thing I knew I was hitting the floor hard, but this time I was on my feet. 

It wasn't a very graceful landing: I hadn't been expecting to make it, so I overbalanced, fell forward and ended up doing a few forward rolls before I finally stopped, landing heavily on my back. I opened my eyes and saw Morpheus' face silhouetted by the sun over me. _I had made it_…He grinned slowly.

"Well done." I smiled back at him and realised it had been the first time I had done so in months.

When Tank pulled us back out I was still grinning like a lunatic. I looked over to where the others were all standing by the monitors. They stared at me for a moment then all laughed when they saw my smile. For a moment I wondered why they had been staring at me but I shrugged it off. It honestly didn't occur to me that what I had done was special, that nobody, not even Morpheus had ever made the jump in three tries.

Tank took one look at me and burst out laughing.

"Shit, Neo you look like you swallowed a hanger!"

I laughed and headed off to the mess room, trying to suppress my smile but failing miserably. I was in a good mood for the rest of the day. I didn't even notice the whispers and glances the others gave each other. The only one I did notice was Trinity. I caught her staring at me during dinner. Her expression was so troubled and distant that I stopped smiling. We stared at each other for a few moments.

"What?" I whispered.

She opened her mouth, then shut it, looking away. She muttered something that sounded like 'well done' then got up and left. I watched her leave and wished I knew what it was that she provoked in me.

That night was the first night I didn't have nightmares since boarding the Neb. That doesn't mean I slept though. Every time I closed my eyes I saw Trinity there. I could picture her so clearly it was like she was in the room. It took me a while to realise that she actually was.

"Trinity?" I sat up quickly. I'd been so tired when I went to bed, I hadn't bothered to close the door and now she was standing just inside.

"I just wanted to make sure you were alright. Switch is still pissed that you haven't apologised to Apoc."

"But I'm not sorry." I said it more coldly then I had meant to. For a moment I thought maybe she had come to… I don't know. I wasn't entirely sure what I felt for her.

"Neo, you need to understand. Switch has had a hard life. She's lost so many people she loved, so she's protective of him. When he hurts, so does she." Silence. She was sitting on the bed, so close that I could have reached out to touch her.

"He was only trying to help-"

"I know that," I said sharply. "But I don't need help Trinity." I looked down at my blanket.

"I just… I need to do this by myself."

She nodded. "I know you do."

We sat there in silence for a moment, staring down at the bed. Finally she sighed.

"You can do it Neo. Otherwise Morpheus wouldn't have freed you."

She reached over and gave my hand a squeeze. I don't think she really meant to do it. It was just a reflex, something you do for comfort, but I felt such a jolt through my body that I kept hold of her hand. I didn't want to let go. We looked at each other. 

We stayed like that for a while. How long I can't really say. I wanted to hold her but I didn't dare move. I didn't want to ruin a moment I had been wishing for, ever since I had met her. Eventually I stroked the back of her hand with my thumb and she drew in a breath. I wanted her so badly that I think she must have sensed it because she suddenly straightened up, pulling her hand free from mine. I watched her get up.

She went to the door and stopped. Her expression was blank and she stared at the light bulb in the corridor. She didn't look at me again.

"Goodnight Neo." 

And even though she was gone, I could still feel her presence filling the room and suffocating me. I lay back in bed and allowed it to wash over me. There are some feelings that were only made for a moment and I wanted to keep that moment alive as long as possible.


	5. Chapter Five

The code takes some getting used to

DEDICATION: This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has reviewed this fic and/or written other Matrix fan fiction. Believe it or not, this chapter was actually harder to write without any kind of Matrix feedback or stories to read when I needed inspiring. So thanks guys! ;)

* * * * * * *

The code takes some getting used to. The first time anyone looks at it, they blink and squint at it as if by doing that it will suddenly make more sense. Of course it doesn't help at all, it just leaves you with painful eyes.

It seemed incredible to me at first that anyone could understand it. Tank had told me that it was just like learning a foreign language. All it took was time and patience.

"But Tank," I had protested, "I'm lousy at languages!"

He gave me a crooked grin. "Well, that's more _your_ problem then mine now, isn't it?"

I shook my head, smiling and wandered off. Since making the jump I had felt more at home on the hovercraft. Before, I felt that I wasn't on the same level as the rest of the crew. They could all do things that I could not even dream of. After making the jump, however, things get a whole lot easier. It becomes almost second nature to be running up walls and jumping impossible heights because the mind is now free. But of course in my case, that wasn't enough. 

Morpheus was continually pushing me, much harder then anyone else. I could feel some animosity from the rest of them; most of them were still doubtful of my ability within The Matrix and I think resented me for… taking Morpheus away from them, I guess. They would glare at me like kids in a schoolyard whenever I began or finished a training session. I would not have been surprised to find that some of them were hoping that I wasn't the One. I'm fairly sure that Switch was one of them. I just did not fit their image of what their saviour would look like. I don't know what they were expecting but I was fairly sure that it was not a skinny computer programmer, who was far too old to be unplugged.

Sometimes it made me angry. I hated that kind of bitching behind people's backs. I wished that they could have just come out and said what they thought of me, instead of whispering and talking about it while I was in The Matrix. But of course, they didn't say a word. 

At first I couldn't work it out; they were honest about everything else, why not me? But then I realised that Morpheus must have been protecting me from them. I could just imagine him sitting everyone down and saying, "play nice children". He probably did, with words to that effect. He was not much older then any of us but we were his children. I say it and it doesn't make much sense but that was how it felt.

Anyway, after making the jump I felt more at ease with them. I was on their level now, more or less. I got to know them a lot better in those few weeks then in the months beforehand. I thought that I had them figured out.

There were two I couldn't really work out though. Morpheus and Trinity. Morpheus was our mentor, our father. He was almost untouchable. I knew that he was a respected captain among the other ships, if not with his superiors in Zion. Apparently his methods were unorthodox. I didn't really understand that until I understood that they were talking about me. Morpheus had instructed the crew that the true reason I had been unplugged should not be revealed to anyone outside the ship. I think he was afraid that another ship or that even Zion would try to steal me away from him or that it would add too much pressure on me and I would pop.

As far as anyone outside of our crew was concerned Morpheus had pulled out a copper top that would usually be considered as 'unfit for unplugging' and offered no real reason why. He really stuck his neck out for me and I soon learnt that he did it for everyone. He's an incredible man.

Trinity… Like Switch, I got the impression that she had built a wall around herself. At first I thought everyone on the ship did that but then I realised that I had built a wall and was blocking everyone else out. However, unlike Switch, Trinity had no one to confide in. She got on with everyone but there was nobody she would go to with a problem, except maybe Morpheus. I always felt when I was around her that without any warning, she would suddenly explode with all her repressed thoughts.

Sometimes when we talked, I would try to open her up more. I wanted to understand who she was, the woman behind the façade she had built. But Trinity would always guess what I was trying to do and change the subject or move away. I think she was scared of getting too close. Most of our conversations had hidden meanings; we would speak to each other and without knowing it, reveal our true selves. We knew each other's souls, if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I felt a lot more at home on the Neb, more so then I would have thought at the beginning. Strangely enough, one of the people I felt most at ease with was actually Cypher. There was an edge to him that I liked; I felt that I could be honest around him.

Whenever I hear people say that they had a feeling that so and so was a horrible person I always think 'bullshit'. I didn't feel that with Cypher. Nobody did, not even Morpheus: if he did, I'm sure he would never had let Cypher take watch as frequently as he did. We all trusted and liked him and that was what made his defection so much harder to take. Sure, he could be offensive and he had a habit of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time but apart from that, we trusted him. It makes me sick to think how blind we were all. I should have realised something: whenever he was on watch he was edgy if someone came over or switched off the monitors altogether. But we never suspected anything. If we had, things would have been so different.

I think that Morpheus was keeping a closer eye on me then I had thought because it was just when I had finally started to understand what was going on around me, he announced he was taking me to see her. The Oracle. As soon as he said it, everyone stiffened up. Nobody would look me in the eye. That was the first thing that worried me. The second thing that worried me was the thought that I would have to go back into the Matrix for the first time since being unplugged. I wasn't sure if I could handle it. It was easy enough saying that The Matrix wasn't real here, but to realise it when you're actually in The Matrix is a totally different story.

It was a huge operation. Taking someone new into the Matrix always is because you have no idea how they'll react. Some people go crazy and run off, trying to find their families, while others don't move, can't move. They don't want to face a world that's not real. You need every Matrix-born on the ship plugged in.

My reaction was pretty tame in comparison to some others. It unnerved me at first. I just couldn't look at anything without thinking _this is not real_. It made me sad: not just that my own life hadn't been real but that all these people would live and die in the Matrix and never have a chance to really live. Living a lie.

I was dubious about visiting The Oracle. I didn't believe in fate and, truth be told, I was a little nervous. Nobody had really told me what to expect and I had visions of white marble, Greek temples and echoing voices. I tried to ask Trinity about the Matrix and its Oracle but she gave me vague answers.

__

The Matrix cannot tell you who you are.

But an Oracle can?

That's different.

Did you see her?

Yes.

She told me…

What? I had sat up then, thinking that maybe she would tell me something, help me understand her more. But she turned away and Morpheus took me inside.

I had not known what to expect, so I tried to expect the unexpected and wipe the images of temples from my mind. I wasn't altogether surprised to enter a graffiti heavy building. I wasn't even surprised by how small the apartment was. The kids already in the room did though, especially the one with the spoon. He was sitting in the middle of the floor, with various bits of bent cutlery in front of him. He picked up a spoon and looked at it. Without any apparent effort on his behalf, it started to twist and contort, before springing back to shape when he noticed me staring. He held the spoon out to me and I took it, sitting down. I tried to work out how this trick had been performed.

"Don't try to bend the spoon." I looked up, slightly startled at his voice. "That's impossible. Instead only try to see the truth."

"What truth?" I asked immediately. _Still searching, always searching…._

"There is no spoon."

I blinked and looked at the spoon. "There is no spoon?"

"Then you will see that it is not the spoon that bends, only yourself."

I held up the spoon and stared at it. _There is no spoon… if it doesn't exist, then it can't be part of any rules of how a spoon behaves. I don't have to be part of any rules…_ The spoon bent sideways.

The Oracle will see you now."

The woman's voice brought me back to reality (or whatever it is) and I looked back at the repaired spoon. The kid smiled brightly at me. I gave a half-hearted smile and gave him the spoon back.

When I first saw the Oracle I had to suppress a laugh. I didn't mean it disrespectfully, you see, it was just the complete opposite to what I had expected. White marble gave way to Formica coated tables and a host angelic voices became one voice, heavy with smokers cough.

But if I doubted who she was for a second, she soon proved me wrong. I sometimes still wonder about the vase, whether it was my clumsiness or her words that caused me to smash it. I think it was a combination of the two.

"You're cuter then I thought. I can see why she likes you."

"Who?"

"Not too bright though." I smiled when she said that, although my head was spinning. Was she talking about Trinity?

__

Yeah, right. Like a woman like Trinity could ever like a dork like you.

But I can feel something when I talk to her. She feels it too -

I was interrupted from my silent debate by The Oracle examining me. I wasn't surprised when she agreed with me. A part of me knew I wasn't the One. Not yet anyway. It didn't bother me as much as you may think. If anything I was relieved. Maybe now I could just get on with my new life without any of the pressure. Of course Morpheus would be disappointed but - 

__

You're going to have to make a choice Neo. On the one hand you'll have Morpheus' life. And on the other, you'll have your own. One of you is going to die. Which one is up to you.

Looking back on that conversation, everything she said was loaded with hidden meaning. She told me exactly what was going to happen but in a way that I couldn't understand. I was pretty angry with her for a while. Things could have been so much easier if she had just told me straight but now I'll never know how they could have been.

On the way back to the car I kept telling myself I didn't believe in all this fate crap. Nothing was going to happen and certainly not because an old woman had said it would. I repeated that to myself when I heard the first gun shots that killed Mouse, when we hid in the wall, heart in my mouth, repeating over and over, _this doesn't mean anything, this doesn't mean anything._

I stopped believing myself when Morpheus saved me from the Agent. As Trinity was calling Tank to find us an exit I was filled with guilt. After everything he had done for me, I had just left him there. I could have helped; I could have done something…anything. It hit me for the first time how utterly helpless we were. We could never win this war. The machines had everything, sentinels, agents, even The Matrix itself could be used against us. And what did we have? The EMP and a prophesy that had not yet happened and was unlikely to, in my opinion. I just wanted to get out of The Matrix, back to the real world and stay there. I picked up my pace beside Trinity.

When we got to the exit the phone was already ringing. Trinity told me to pick it up and I did gladly and waited for the strange, cold feeling of being pulled back. It never came.

"What's wrong?" Fear had made Trinity's voice sharper then usual.

"I don't know, it just went dead."

She grabbed the phone from me and, swearing, dialled Tank on her cell phone. I wasn't worried when it seemed to take longer then usual for the operator to pick up. I wasn't even that worried when it was Cypher who picked up.

"You killed them." I stared at Trinity in horror when she said that. I heard Switch and Apoc make exclamations but I didn't say anything. I was straining my ears trying to hear what Cypher was saying. Trinity's side of the conversation didn't really tell me anything. It was just starting to occur to me that the whole trip had been a set up and that Cypher, who I had just begun to trust, was betraying us when Trinity suddenly turned to Apoc. He seemed to know what was coming because he whispered her name before he fell to the ground.

I stared at his still body, unable to say anything, while Switch knelt beside him. He was dead… I never apologised to him and now it was too late. I couldn't breath. 

Then I watched helplessly as Switch died. I knelt beside them both and hated myself and my stupid pride that had prevented me from making up with these two. The thing that made me feel worse was the fact that I barely knew them. I hadn't even tried. And, now it was too late. I felt sick with it. I still feel sick when I think of them all today. None of them, not Apoc, not Switch, and especially not Mouse deserved to die that way. I could fully understand Switch's last words. 

__

Not like this. Not like this. She knew what was coming and she couldn't stand the thought of being killed that easily. Nobody can. It throws the whole point of living into question. What's the point if someone can so easily take life away?

It sounds strange now, but I really had no idea how Cypher could have done it. No one had explained to me that pulling the plug out of someone's head whilst in The Matrix killed them. It's obvious now but it just didn't occur to me back then. It's frightening really, how easily it could be done. Just pull the plug and bingo, someone's dead. No mess, no blood on your hands.

I know that Tank is trying to work out a security device to make sure the plugs can't be pulled while someone's in The Matrix. It's his way of defending Dozer's death. I haven't the heart to tell him that it just won't work. All of the captains (and most of the crew for that matter) think that you should be able to, in case something goes wrong or if they need to stop someone revealing any secrets. But then again, Morpheus lets him get on with it so maybe the Neb will be protected. I know I'd rather have something like that installed. There isn't much protection for us so it will be nice to know that something like that can never happen again and that maybe their deaths weren't in vain.

But I digress.

I knew something had happened back on the Neb because I could suddenly hear Cypher. I didn't hear exactly what he said, but it ended with a scream of pain. Trinity stared at the dead phone in her hand. I looked at her face and felt worse. I've never seen anyone's composure break as quickly as Trinity's did. In fact, I've never seen anyone look so scared. We stood there for a moment in silence, Trinity leaning against the counter slightly, as if her legs were giving out and me with hundreds of thoughts rushing through my head.

The main thing that worried me was that we had no idea what had just happened. We were stuck here, until someone on the other side decided to pull us out. If any agents came, I wasn't sure what would happen. Trinity was in no shape to do much of anything and I sure as hell couldn't lead her around. 

It sounds as if I didn't care about the people who died but I did. I knew there was nothing more we could for them and it would be senseless to throw our own lives away. Our entire crew could have been wiped out in just a few hours.

Another voice was tugging at the back of my mind. It was the same voice that had questioned what I was doing when I climbed into the car to meet Morpheus. My little voice of reason. It kept saying _you see? You see what happens when you trust people? They betray you or die or maybe even both. If you know what's good for you you'll never make that mistake again._

I was just thinking of tactful ways to tell Trinity to pull herself together when the phone rang. I expected her to pick it up but she stared at it dumbly as though she had never seen a telephone before. I hesitatingly picked the phone up and handed it to her. I wasn't sure if she would be able to pick up the phone in her condition. She took it and disappeared. I stood there nervously, heart beating faster with every passing second. I was terrified of being trapped here. I had no idea what I could've done. I had terrible images of my body back on the Neb, still with no one around.

Just as those thoughts threatened to overwhelm me and send me running around shrieking, the phone rang. I grabbed it quickly and felt the reassuring chill of the real world.


	6. Chapter Six

This is dedicated to all my reviewers and beta reader
    
    This is dedicated to all my reviewers and my beta reader. You guys really gave me the motivation to get off my arse and write more of this. And, believe me I'm glad I did – I had so much fun writing it!
    WARNING: The end of this is very fluffy. If you do not like fluff or mushy fan fics I suggest you get out now. Right this minute. :P So, if you do read this and don't like it, don't flame me – it's just my interpretation and I love fluff. Besides what is fan fiction but harmless (and occasionally well-written) fluff?
    * * * * * * *
    
    Any reassurance I had about being back on the Neb was quickly washed away by the sight of Trinity's face as she unplugged me. She looked much calmer than she had done before but her face was puckered with worry.

I think it was the silence that hit me the worst: usually you could hear people talking, laughing, just _living_. And now the ship was as silent as a grave. The sounds of nine people living had become the sound of three people grieving.

We piled their bodies up in one corner of the main deck, shuddering as we touched them. We almost didn't move Cypher - _let the bastard rot in his steaming grave_ - but Trinity pointed out that we had to repair the pipe that his body had smashed, and we couldn't do that with a body in the way. Even in a crisis, she was still as practical as ever. 

Grudgingly we moved him, unwilling to touch the charred remains. We kept him slightly apart from the others though. It didn't seem right to put him so close to the others he had killed so easily.
    
    I fell into a daze. Everything had happened so quickly that I couldn't take it all in. And every time I tried to, I could hear the Oracle's voice.

__

Morpheus' life… or your own.

It couldn't be happening, I said to myself. Just because an old lady tells you what's going to happen, doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything… Why would she tell me this? She knew that I wasn't the One, there was nothing I could do. Was this a punishment for not staying to help? I couldn't work it out, try as I might.

When Tank told me that we had to kill Morpheus to keep Zion safe, I just froze. I wanted to protest but I couldn't. I understood that we had to keep Zion safe; we had no choice.

__

You're going to have to make a choice.

No, that's bullshit. What can I do? I can't do anything, just stop thinking about it, there's nothing I can do, nothing whatsoever -

"Stop. I don't believe this is happening…" I never have listened to my inner voice. 

"Neo, this has to be done."

"Does it? I don't know, this can be just coincidence, it can't be -" I could feel their eyes on me but I was still trying to convince myself that there was nothing I could do, whilst another bigger voice told me that I _could_. 
    
     "What are you talking about?"

"The Oracle. She told me this would happen. She told me… that I would have to make a choice." I couldn't keep my eyes off Morpheus' face. He looked almost peaceful, yet I knew that he was in pain.

__

After everything he has done for you, you're just going to let him die? You can stop this now… Make your choice Neo.

"What choice?"

I glanced up at Trinity and saw the confusion on her face. And made my choice.

A conviction seized me at that point. I've never felt so sure of anything in my entire life. I knew that I could get him out. Don't ask me how I knew it, I just did. I felt almost arrogant with it. I guess that was why I said no to Trinity. 

As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew that I would regret saying them. One thing I had learnt since I had been unplugged was that you don't cross Trinity. She gives better than she gets, with no exceptions.

I didn't want her to come but I was glad that she did. I had only been back in The Matrix once before, and look what happened that time. I was grateful for her presence beside me.

It wasn't just arrogance that made me say it though. Even then, I cared for her, more than I liked to admit. Part of me had a feeling that I wouldn't come back alive, but that was okay. In fact, it would have suited me fine. It was the first time I had accepted the idea of my death. It still surprises me now that I was willing to give my life for another man. It was something I had read about but had never thought that I would do.

That sentence pretty much sums up what the rescue mission was to me. It was going to work. It had to work, even if I died in the attempt. Morpheus and Trinity were going to get out alive, even if I had to throw myself at an agent to give them more time. I was prepared to do that for them. 

It shocked me how easy it was. I always had this belief that government buildings were incredibly hard to break into. I soon realised that if you were packing lots of guns and knowledge of kung fu, you could do pretty much anything. It made me wonder how many other beliefs I had that were untrue.

It was the first time I fully accepted that what I was seeing was not real. There was no way that it could be; I was not the type of guy to break into a building and open fire. It was hard to believe that about six months ago I had been sitting at my desk waiting to be fired. I felt that I had been reborn, and that if I was reborn, then there was no way I could be the same person I had been. It occurred to me that another man was performing this mission, and that I was just watching. If it had been possible, I think I would have felt almost relaxed.

I came crashing back down to earth when I saw the agent. I had seen the look on Trinity's face, and I knew there was only one thing that could inspire that level of terror. I had emptied my entire clip at him but he just dodged it. A weight slammed into my stomach. I couldn't believe that I had thought that I could defeat an agent.

I called to Trinity for help but I knew there was nothing that she could do. I was going to die, it was as simple as that -
    
    And then he opened fire. Call it instinct, reflexes, whatever. It seemed to happen in slow motion. I saw the bullet move towards me, so I dodged it. Then I saw the other bullets, and I was aware that my back was bending and twisting in ways that it shouldn't. I had little time to consider what to do when I felt a hot pain in my arm and leg. I fell.

I was shocked by what I had done and knew that it was too late for me. The agent stood over me, and I prayed that Trinity was somewhere far away, saving Morpheus. I really should have known better. She saved me countless times that day. 

Even now, I can still see her standing there over me like my own personal avenging angel. So what if she had a smoking gun instead of a flaming sword? She was still there…

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?" 

It seems inconceivable now, but I guess that it really didn't occur to me that what I had done was really that incredible. It seemed no more amazing to me than the fact that we could jump from rooftop to rooftop. I had never performed a mission like this before - hell, I'd never even _been_ on a mission before - so I really didn't know what to expect. I was willing to accept everything I did and saw. I think if Trinity had jumped off the edge of the roof and flown around like a bird, I would have simply asked if I could do it.

My confidence quickly returned when we climbed into the helicopter. I felt my dreamy sense of reality start to return, and I embraced it. It made the task at hand easier to do - I couldn't be hurt by something that wasn't real. That thought certainly made it easier to jump out of the helicopter.
    
    Looking back, it's ridiculous that I didn't see it. It was so blindingly obvious what I was the One from the start of the mission. It turned out, of course, that everyone had realised it then, while I skipped on ahead totally unaware.
    The first moment I began to realise the truth was when I watched the helicopter spiral out of control. Without thinking about it, I looped the harness rope around myself and hoped that Trinity was holding the other end. I don't even want to think about the possibility if she hadn't. 

With strength I wasn't aware I had, I pulled her up and then she fell into my arms. We just looked at each other for a moment, and she became the whole world. It wasn't just that the rest of the world faded or anything corny like that, it was just that she was _there_. It was the same feeling I had when I first saw her, that she was the only real thing in my life. At that moment I wanted more than anything, just to understand her, to know her, to be with her. 

I wanted to say it but I couldn't. I couldn't even form the words in my mind, they were too foreign to me.

"Do you believe it now, Trinity?" She looked thoughtful when Morpheus said that. It was more of a statement than a question.

I couldn't believe that he still thought that I was the One. He was so stubborn to his beliefs that nothing I said or did could ever change them; I saw that straight away.

As Morpheus called Tank, I stared about me beginning to realise that we had achieved the impossible. We had rescued someone from the agents. As far as I knew, that had never been done before - if someone got caught you did what you had to do, mourned briefly for them and got over it. That way of existing had always suited me, right from the moment Caitlin died. It was already a way of life for me.
    
    I was pulled back to reality by Morpheus putting the phone back in his pocket and turning to us.

"Let's go." Already he had regained his composure, if he had ever lost it.

I'll admit it: I did feel a sense of superiority to the people below us as we leapt from building to building. I couldn't help it; it was too easy to regard them as below you, even though Morpheus always reminded us that that was foolish. Anyone of those people could be freed next. Mocking them was like mocking a ten-year-old because they didn't know Algebra. You don't know if they can do it or not: they haven't been taught yet.
    
    When we reached the subway station, the phone was already ringing. I was so desperate to get the hell out I didn't think to see if there was anyone else around. I just gave the phone to Morpheus and watched him disappear.
    "Neo, I want to tell you something. But I'm afraid of what it could mean if I do."

I looked at her curiously. She had the same look on her face as she had when Cypher was talking to her. It took a while before it dawned on me that she looked frightened.

"Everything the Oracle told me has come true. Everything but this."
    
     "But what?" 

Now I was really confused. I couldn't work out why she was afraid, or what it had to do with the Oracle. A train roared past, and I tried desperately to understand her, to know her. But I couldn't. I realised with a kind of desperation that I probably never would. She would always be a mystery to me, a person I couldn't touch. She reached to take the phone, and I watched, confused, as she suddenly put her hand on the glass. She disappeared, and the receiver exploded.

I jumped slightly at the suddenness of it, but I knew what had caused it. I turned to see the agent who had interrogated me standing there. I turned to run but something stopped me. I think people assume that it was a sort of 'hero' instinct inside of me but it wasn't. I was just tired of running. I had spent the entire day, shit, my entire_ life_, running from one thing to another. I ran from my family, I ran from my life in the Matrix - I'd be damned if I was going to run now because a man in a suit had called me "Mr Anderson".

The more I fought with him, the angrier I got. Why was this lump of shit running my life? We called ourselves the rebellion, but what kind of rebellion runs every time they see their enemy? We were just a bunch of cowards, fooling ourselves into thinking we could make a difference. Harsh I know, but in one sense they were true. What good could we do if we spent all our time running from agents? It was a miracle that we had gotten this far.

Later, when it was all over, Tank played me back my fight with Agent Smith. I didn't remember much about it, so I was impressed when I saw the leap into the air I had made with an agent on my back. The only thing I remembered was an explosion of anger at his tone of voice and the way he said my old name.

I didn't think that I'd killed him. I just hoped that the train had knocked the wind out of him. I have the worst luck. I considered staying for another round, not making the same mistake everyone else did and staying to finish the job. 

__

Fuck that.

So I ran. I was no match for an agent. Maybe for a while I had believed that I was, but how can you defeat something that's impossible to kill or even hurt in the slightest possible way? 

Again, I don't remember much of that run either. Fragmented thoughts stick out in my mind but mostly I was just running.

__

A few more steps, just a few more -

I recognised the agent a moment before he fired. I was so shocked that he was there, I barely blinked. I looked down at the blood on my hands. 

__

Shit…

He fired again and the force of his shots pushed me against the wall. I felt the bullets, but the pain seemed to be hovering outside of me.

__

This isn't real, fight it damn you! It's not real!

But I felt them…

He fired a few more times, and darkness swept over me. For a few brief seconds I wasn't aware of anything, and then I heard a whispering and strained my ears trying to hear it.

__

How can you hear it? You're dead, you felt the bullets -

I could hear the whisper a little clearer now. I couldn't work out what was being said but I knew it was a woman's voice.

**__**

Trinity…

Being the one is just like being in love…

There is a difference between knowing the path…

…no one can tell you you're in love…

Another whisper was building up, behind the woman's voice. It was still indistinct and flowed through me like the wind.

__

I FELT the bullets, it must be real…

There is no spoon.

…and walking the path.

…I'm DEAD.

Looks like you're waiting for something…

Both whispers were building and I could feel their pressure inside.

__

… you just know.

Suddenly the woman's voice became clear and cut through me like a knife.

**__**

Do you hear me?

…your next life maybe.

****

I love you.

…balls to bone.

I felt Trinity kiss me, but like the pain it was outside of me. I wasn't connected to it in any way. I wanted to be connected to it. The other whisper rose up through me like a tide.

__

you're not dead - you're not dead - you're not dead - you're not dead - you're not dead - you're not dead…

I opened my eyes. I could feel the ground beneath me, but it wasn't real. It felt numb to me because it wasn't there, and what does nothing feel like that? Somehow, I knew that in the real world I had taken a breath. I felt my dead lungs fill with air.

**__**

Now get up.

I did. When a voice like that commands you, why argue?

I saw the agents raise their guns and fire out the corner of my eye.

"No." I held up my hand and… I don't quite know what I do when I control the Matrix. People often ask me and I just say "how do you think?". No one knows exactly how you think, you just do it. Nobody bothers themselves much with that question because it doesn't matter; all that matters is that you can do it. And that's all that mattered to me.

The bullets stopped in front of me. I took one of them in my hand and looked at it in awe. It wasn't real. It seemed ridiculous that anyone could have ever thought it was real, when everything about it was just so… wrong. 

I dropped it and saw the world as it really was: a flowing green code, beautiful but deadly. I realised that Tank was wrong: it wasn't like learning a new language - it was learning a new world. A world behind everything else, and I felt elated. 

__

I know the truth.

Agent Smith started towards me, and I couldn't believe I had thought that he was unbeatable. His code told me everything I needed to know. It flowed in and out of him mingling with the rest of his surroundings. Nothing about him was real - there was no human mind in the real world connected to him.

I had been toying with him but suddenly I remembered Trinity back in the real world, and I snapped his arm. He flew backwards and something akin to fear crossed his features. I started towards him, and he raised his fist to hit me.

The code tells you more about itself than what it's describing. Inside of it I don't just see figures, I see its secrets. I saw in it how it could be destroyed, how it was made - I even saw the machine's confusion to my actions.

So I knew exactly what I was doing when I dived at the agent. It was as clear to me as these words are in front of you. I tore and bit at the code, deleting it with my bare hands. I pushed it and myself until there was too much pressure for the code to sustain itself, and it blew outwards.

I had to fight my excitement and amazement at what I had just done. I controlled myself by taking a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes the other agents ran.

I heard an explosion in the other world.

**__**

Neo!

I turned and ran back to the still ringing phone. It didn't feel like I was running. I was gliding through the code and used it to push me forwards. I picked up the receiver and disappeared back into the world I could touch.

My first sensation had been the noise onboard the Neb. I had had some idea that the squiddies were attacking, but I had no idea that they were so close. There was a bright flash, and I felt something fling itself on me.

The calm after an explosion is like nothing else. During the hell of it, you forget what calm and silence are. And then they are happening, so suddenly and clearly, you wonder if you are dead.

But I knew I wasn't dead. I knew what death felt like, and now I know what having the woman you love in your arms feels like. But then I hadn't a clue. All I knew was that she was close to me and that now I understood her. We were kindred spirits both searching for something, and now we'd found it in each other. Without her I would have been dead and without me she would have been lost. We needed each other.

She touched my cheek and I wanted to move but I couldn't. Partly because my body ached and partly because for a brief moment I'd forgotten how to. In fact, I'd pretty much forgotten everything.

Then we kissed, and I remembered everything precisely. My thoughts and feelings at that point were pretty hazy, mainly because I realised that I loved her, and I wanted to say it to her without breaking the kiss, so I was shouting it to her with my mind and heart. I can't be sure, but I have a feeling that she heard. 

We broke apart, but she didn't move from her position and hugged me fiercely. I whispered in her ear:

"This is real."

I felt her smile into my shoulder and she whispered back.

"Forever and ever."

And I knew that we both meant it.

* * * * * * *

Okay, I know I seriously lapsed into fluff, mushiness and complete corniness there but I couldn't resist it ;) 
    
    Well that's the end of that little story *wipes tear from eye* I had a ball writing it, so I hope all you guys had fun reading it!


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